May 14, 2025  |    Leave a comment  |    Home

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the town historically known for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of area. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let us have A different area in which American Guys can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: supply everyone a set over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In line with files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms installed in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he really should cease employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from space, a function staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following discovering the developing's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Attributes


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Command established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Regional Syrians are unsure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "When you Bomb It, They may Appear"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "exactly where's the nearest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting notice from international investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level can even include:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to see a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel where my PTSD may have flip-down assistance."


A further post from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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